


I'm Still Here

by Shadowlight28



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, It's not a happy place, Jack is stuck in the void, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-10-20 07:23:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17618021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowlight28/pseuds/Shadowlight28
Summary: He’s cold all the time now.  You would think one advantage to being sucked into a shadowy void would be getting to feel nothing, but no.  Instead, there are times when he gets so cold he feels like his bones are going to splinter apart from the strength of it.  He couldn’t even handle regular cold.  He was from Los Angeles.  He was used to sunny skies and temperate weather even through the winter months.  Sammy had thought Jack’s absolute intolerance to the cold was hilarious.  He would always give Jack his coat whenever he noticed Jack start to shiver whenever the weather dropped below 60 degrees.  He feels a stab of pain in his chest.He tries not to think about Sammy too much.





	1. The Void

He’s cold all the time now. You would think one advantage to being sucked into a shadowy void would be getting to feel nothing, but no. Instead, there are times when he gets so cold he feels like his bones are going to splinter apart from the strength of it. He couldn’t even handle regular cold. He was from Los Angeles. He was used to sunny skies and temperate weather even through the winter months. Sammy had thought Jack’s absolute intolerance to the cold was hilarious. He would always give Jack his coat whenever he noticed Jack start to shiver whenever the weather dropped below 60 degrees. He feels a stab of pain in his chest. 

He tries not to think about Sammy too much. 

It’s painful for him to think about Sammy or Lily or anyone else that he cares about. Another side effect of being stuck in the Void, is an oppressive sense of loneliness that makes you feel like you’re the last person in the entire world. Most of the time, he is. There are others, but not many. Jack sees them rarely. He sees Debbie the most, but he would almost prefer being alone. It’s partly her fault that he’s stuck here in the first place. 

What had he been thinking? Had he really thought he was going to be able to swoop in and save Debbie and everyone else from the shadow creatures and the Void? He’d been so stupid. He hadn’t even ended up making it to fucking King Falls. He’d been abducted outside of his own apartment, disappearing without a trace. He hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye to Sammy. He desperately wishes that he’d been able to say goodbye to Sammy. 

He remembers that day more clearly than he would like to. If it was up to him, he would forget it entirely. He’d spent all morning packing his stuff and being mad at Sammy for not listening to him. He’d been so angry that Sammy hadn’t wanted to support him in his quest to figure out the weirdness of King Falls and save Debbie. All of that anger seems so trivial now. If he could go back, he would have gotten help like Sammy had begged him to do and turned his back on King Falls. He would have let someone else try and pretend they were a hero. If he’d done that, he would be home with Sammy. Instead, he’s now surrounded by nothing but darkness, and shadows so thick he’s certain he’ll drown in them. He knows that’s what the shadows want him to do.

He remembers standing outside his car, contemplating whether he should wake Sammy or not, and that’s when they grabbed him. They had come from everywhere. The ground, the trees, his car, and even the sky itself had all suddenly been completely engulfed by shadows. He’d tried to run, but there had been nowhere to go. The shadows grabbed him and wrapped around him, leaving wherever they touched with a cold so intense that it burned. He’d cried out, at first for Sammy, but then he’d cried for somebody, anybody, to please help him. He’d begged for someone to please save him. Nobody came. 

Then he’d passed out. In a way. One second he’d been screaming for help, and the next he woke up in the Void. It had been like waking up in hell. The darkness was impenetrable, the type of darkness that made you forget you had even seen light. Even now, Jack can’t quite remember what light is supposed to look like. The first day days in the Void had been the worst. Days isn’t exactly the right word, there are no days here. There’s not even night. There’s just...nothing. After he had first arrived, he had been chased by that thing. He can’t give it a name. If he has to refer to it, he calls it the controller of the shadows. He’s scared that if he gives it a real name, it will somehow be summoned every time he thinks it. 

Things got better after he found Debbie. As much as Jack dislikes her, she made things easier for him. She didn’t know much more about this place than he did, but she helped him survive by giving him the tips that she did know. She had three main rules for surviving the Void.  
1\. Never let the controller of the shadows catch you  
2\. Don’t trust anything you see  
3\. Hold onto hope, without it, you become nothing

The shadows are the people that came before them. They’re the ones that lost hope and gave up their identity, merging completely with the darkness. They were humans once, but now there’s nothing human left. Jack had seen someone turn into a shadow once. They’d been running from the controller of the shadows when the man he’d been running with suddenly stopped. Jack had yelled at him to keep going, but he’d shook his head. He said that there was nothing left to fight for anymore, that there was no hope of ever getting back home again. He’d closed his eyes and seconds later, the shadows had overtaken him. Jack can’t get his screams out of his head, no matter how hard he tries. 

His name had been Paul. He’d had a wife and a daughter that was two years old. Jack tries to remember Paul, to keep his identity alive in some small way. He thinks that if he can remember Paul, maybe he can somehow get back home and give his family closure. He knows it’s a futile hope. Jack knows he’ll never be going home. He knows he will never be able to give closure to Paul’s family. Jack isn’t quite sure why he keeps going. He supposes he has a bit of hope that still stupidly burns in his chest that keeps him from giving up. How long will it be until the shadows snuff out the last bit of hope and light inside his soul? 

That’s something that Jack tries not to think about either.


	2. Illusions

The worst thing about the Void is the illusions. The times when he wakes up in the morning laying beside Sammy, except it isn’t really Sammy. He’s not sure how it happens, but he forgets all about the Void and believes that the pounding heart and the overwhelming feeling of dread come from a nightmare. 

In this illusion, Sammy always makes him coffee while Jack clings to him as if he’s never going to see him again. He might have forgotten about the Void, but a part of him knows, deep down, that none of it is real. That he’d better savor it while it lasts. 

Sammy always teases him about how he’s suddenly turned into the most clingy fiancé in the world overnight. Jack always laughs and tells Sammy that he loves him. 

Sammy always hands him a cup of coffee. Jack always drops it because he’s shaking so badly. 

After that, Sammy always screams at him, calls him names, and tells him that he’s worthless. He will tell him that he’s glad he’s gone because Jack was holding him back. Jack always cries and apologizes. 

Then Sammy’s face will twist into an inhuman smile and the shadows will slowly creep into the room and surround Jack again. The last thing he sees is Sammy smiling at him gleefully as he drowns. 

He knows that the purpose of the illusion is to break him down, bit by bit, until he finally gives into the shadows. It almost works every time. Jack screams and cries until he can calm himself down enough to remind himself that it’s not the real Sammy. He knows that the real Sammy would never call him worthless and needs him to come home. He reminds himself that the real Sammy loves him. 

Those illusions are horrible, but others are better, if not more confusing. Sometimes he’s in random places with no memory of the Void or sometimes he’s in random places with his memories of the Void firmly intact. They all end with him getting devoured by the shadows, but at least they’re better than anything with Sammy in it. 

The forest he’s walking through now isn’t so bad. It’s night, and the stars are shining brightly through the trees. He keeps the image of the stars in his mind as firmly as he can. Whenever the shadows come back for him, he wants to be able to take the memory of the stars with him. He needs a light that can help guide him through the darkness. 

A voice suddenly breaks through the quiet. “Good evening, I’m Sammy Stevens and you’re listening to King Falls AM at 660 on the radio dial,”

Sammy. That’s Sammy’s voice. Jack is running towards it before he even consciously makes the decision to do so.

It could all be a trick, but there’s something inside him that knows that it’s not. That’s his Sammy. It’s his voice and he’s close. All Jack can think is that he has to find him. He isn’t delusional; he knows that he won’t be able to stay. He hasn’t magically escaped the Void, but he needs to see Sammy, needs to be able to tell him that he loves him.

He crashes through the trees, ignoring all the thorns and branches that tear at his skin. Somebody else starts talking and Jack wishes they would shut up so that he can hear more of Sammy’s voice. He’s missed him so much that it’s almost been like a constant physical pain in his chest. 

He’s not paying much attention to where he's going. All he can focus on is Sammy’s voice and getting to him as fast as possible. He suddenly trips over a tree root and goes sprawling onto the ground. He skins his hands and knees all to hell, but he can hardly feel the pain. Sammy is nearby. He thought he was never going to see Sammy again, but now he is. He can hardly believe it; he’s scared to believe it. This might not be real, despite how real it feels to Jack. There’s still a small chance this is isn’t fake though, and Jack isn’t going to stop until he knows for sure. He pushes himself to his feet and starts running again. 

Suddenly, Sammy’s screaming about some man named Tim Jensen and rainbow lights, which makes absolutely no sense to Jack, but that doesn’t matter because there’s a building up ahead, and suddenly, through the window, Jack sees him. He’s thinner than he was before and he looks tired. It might be Jacks imagination, but he thinks that Sammy looks sad. His hair is cut short, which is strange. Sammy had been growing it out before Jack left. All of these changes convince him that this has to be the real Sammy. All of the Sammy’s in the illusions always look like the Sammy he remembers. None of them have ever looked like any time has passed.

He runs down the hill towards the building. There’s more screaming about Tim and rainbow lights. Jack knows that he should care, but he can’t. Sammy doesn’t seem to be in danger and that’s all that matters. Jack can’t bring himself to care further than that. 

He gets to the window and he realizes that Sammy’s in a studio of some kind. The realization brings a smile to his face. Even now, Sammy was still being a radio personality. It made him feel better realizing that some things were still the same. He’s glad that Sammy has a job doing what he loves. Jack hadn’t been sure if Sammy would continue being on the radio after he disappeared. He’d been almost certain that him disappearing would bring the end to Shotgun Saturday Nights. It was their show, and Jack hadn’t been able to imagine Sammy continuing it in his absence. That seemed to be true, but Jack was happy that Sammy was still doing a radio show of some kind. 

He hits the glass to try to get Sammy’s attention. “Sammy, it’s me! It’s Jack!” 

Sammy doesn’t look over. He should be able to hear him. No one is talking on the phone and Jack things they might be on commercial. He can vaguely hear a jingle about some place called Archie’s Pomchi Palace, whatever that’s supposed to mean. 

“Sammy! Look at me goddamnit! I’m right here!” He hadn’t considered the thought that Sammy might not be able to see him. He can’t accept the fact that Sammy isn’t able to see him. 

Jack kicks the wall of the studio out of frustration, which still doesn’t get a reaction out of Sammy, but it seems to startle the other man in the room with him. 

“Did you hear that?” the man asks, a touch of fear in his voice. Sammy shakes his head. 

“Yes, you did!” Jack yells. “I am right here! Your fiancé is here, Sammy Stevens! Look! At! Me!” he punctuates each statement with a vicious blow to the glass and Sammy finally look up. 

They make eye contact and Sammy suddenly goes pale as if he’s seen a ghost. Jack opens his mouth to say something, to tell Sammy that he loves him, but Sammy quickly rubs his eyes and when he looks up again, Jack can tell that he’s looking right through him. 

“No! Sammy, I’m here! Sammy please!” He can feel the hysteria creeping into his voice. He needs Sammy to be able to see him. He can’t handle Sammy not even acknowledging his existence. He has to be able to tell Sammy goodbye in case he never sees him again. 

Sammy quickly clambers out of his chair, keeping his gaze leveled on the window. “I need some coffee,” he says, directing the statement to the other man in the room. 

He starts walking towards the door at the back of the station and Jack panics. “Sammy, please! Don’t leave me! Please just turn around!” The door opens. “I’m here! I’m right-” the door closes. “...here.” 

Sammy’s gone. Jack can’t hold back the tears anymore and he slides to the ground, leaning against the station wall and pulling his knees up to his chest. Sammy can’t even fucking see him. He’s nothing. He’s practically a ghost. What’s the point of holding onto his identity when he barely has one anymore? He knows he’s not going to ever make it out of the Void. What’s the point of pretending that he can? 

He cries. He cries for the future he’s missing at Sammy’s side, he cries for Sammy who didn’t even get a goodbye, he cries for Lily who he left behind angry with him, and he cries for himself because he’s so scared and lost that he doesn’t know how he can keep going. 

The shadows come for him soon after that. Jack doesn’t even bother trying to fight them when they drag him back into the Void.


	3. Irony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long! I've actually had this chapter written for a while, but I was worried that it was too short to be posted by itself, so I waited to post it until I finished chapter 4 as well. It took me forever, but I finally finished it! I hope you guys like it!

It’s much later than Jack would like to admit, that it occurs to him that Sammy is in King Falls. At first he’d done his best to avoid thinking about that night outside the studio, but as time passed it became less painful and he became focused on obsessing over every word Sammy had said. He can’t remember everything word for word, he’d been way too distracted at the time, but he does remember that Sammy mentioned he was on a radio show called King Fall Am. 

Sammy had followed him all the way to King Falls. Jack didn’t know how he felt about that. On one hand, he was elated. Sammy had come for him; he was here trying to find Jack. He’d cared enough to come to the town he swore he would never set foot in just to try and find him. It was hard not to feel a little moved by that. On the other hand, it was dangerous in King Falls. If Sammy ever got close to the truth of what had happened to him, he would end up being dragged into the Void too. As much as Jack wanted to see Sammy again, he would never want Sammy to be here with him. 

As much as it hurt to consider, Jack thought that it would be best if Sammy never found him. The ideal scenario was that after a few months of searching, Sammy gave up on him and moved back to California where he could meet a nice guy and move on with his life. All Jack wanted was for Sammy to be happy and he knew that Sammy wouldn’t ever be truly happy if he never gave up on searching for him. 

Looking back, he realizes how stupid it had been of him to try and talk to Sammy. Not only had it been stupid, it had been selfish. If Sammy had talked to him, he would have never been able to let go of him. He couldn’t have moved on if he knew for certain that Jack was trapped in some dark void filled with shadow monsters. As much as it had hurt at the time, it was probably for the best that Sammy hadn’t been able to see him. Sammy had looked sad and tired, but he had seemed mostly put together. Appearing and then disappearing before his eyes would have ruined all of that. Sammy would have obsessively searched for him and Jack didn’t want that. 

There was no future for him and Sammy. They had hit a fork in the road and Sammy had gone one way and Jack had gone the other. It hadn’t been by choice, but Jack couldn’t change the way things were. He needed to say goodbye to Sammy, to let him go. 

In the days following that, Jack does try to let go. He really does. Instead, the universe, or the void, or whatever controls these things keeps dumping him right back in front of Sammy and Jack is captivated every time. 

He’s mostly around whenever King Falls AM is being broadcasted and he wonders if the radio waves have something to do with what’s bringing him back here almost every night. It’s a crazy theory, but it’s the best one he’s got at the moment. He would ask Debbie about it, but she’s been hard to find recently. He’s been trying not to fear the worst. Debbie was the strongest out of all of them, and if she had broken, Jack doesn’t have very high hopes for himself or any of the others.   
Whenever he’s around, he mostly sits on the stool in the corner of the studio and watches Sammy host the show. Sometimes he can even forget what’s going on long enough to feel like this is just a normal day with the two of them creating a new show together. 

Then Ben’s voice usually cuts in and ruins the fantasy. Jack was incredibly jealous of Ben. Not in the normal way someone would get jealous of somebody their fiancé spent a lot of time with, it had become apparent extremely quickly that Ben was completely infatuated with Emily Potter, but he’s jealous that Ben can talk with Sammy, joke with him, and be there for him. He’s jealous that Ben gets to have all of the things Jack would give anything to have back. 

It’s not that he dislikes Ben. He doesn’t. In fact, he likes him quite a bit. He’s glad that Sammy has somebody there for him that cares. He’s glad that Sammy has a friend and that he isn't going through life completely alone. Still, it doesn’t stop the desperate longing in his chest to be the one at Sammy’s side instead of Ben. It doesn’t stop Jack from wishing that this was the Jack and Sammy show instead of the Ben and Sammy one. 

Doing a supernatural radio show like this in King Falls with Sammy was Jack’s ultimate dream. It was what he had always imagined happening when he had made up his mind about leaving to go to King Falls in the first place. The plan had been simple in his mind. He’d thought that he would go to King Falls, convince Sammy to follow, somehow save Debbie and the others, and then set up a new radio show where he and Sammy could discuss supernatural phenomena like they had done back in college. 

It’s painfully ironic that Jack’s dream had mostly come true, but that it’s Ben Arnold who gets to live it.


	4. Supernatural Hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live in fear of the day when canon finally comes and disproves all of this, but I'm enjoying imagining Sammy and Jack's back story. Also, the chapter lengths vary greatly between the previous chapters and this one. I hope that doesn't bother anybody! I've always been the worst at being consistent with chapter length.

He’s sitting on a stool, head resting against the wall with his eyes fixed on Sammy’s face. It’s a slow night. Sammy and Ben are taking calls from the residents of King Falls and it’s a nice break from what had happened the previous night where Finn had gotten attacked by a werewolf live on the air. Well, that’s what Jack and Ben are convinced happened. Sammy seems to be of the opinion that Finn had a run in with a rabid dog. 

As Jack is staring at Sammy, listening to him vehemently deny the existence of werewolves, Jack can’t help but be reminded of the old radio show they had run in college. It had been called the Supernatural Hour with Jack and Sammy, and it had been created after their first significant fight. Jack gets lost in memories a lot these days. It’s easier than dealing with the present. The memory pulls him under and he lets himself get lost in the past.

_______

People were always assuming that Sammy and Lily were together. 

Whenever it happened, Sammy would usually throw his head back and laugh, seemingly amused by the very idea that he and Lily could ever work together as a couple. Jack was secretly pleased that Sammy seemed to find the idea amusing. He wasn’t sure how he would handle the guy he was falling in love with dating his sister. 

He’d asked Sammy, once, about if he would ever consider dating Lily. He’d responded that Lily wasn’t his type, which was fair enough Jack supposed. Lily could be a bit intense at the best of times. He’d almost asked what Sammy’s type was; he’d only seen Sammy go on a date with one girl and Sammy had confided in Jack later that night that he’d hated every second of it. At the last second though, he’d backed out. He had doubted that he’d be able to sit through listening to what Sammy’s perfect girl would be like, knowing he would never be able to be that person. 

Despite Jack’s unrequited love, he didn’t really mind that Sammy wasn’t interested in him. They were best friends and that was enough. It really was, even if Lily always said that Jack deserved better than to pine after a straight guy for the rest of his life. Jack agreed, but well, it wasn’t like he had chosen to fall in love with Sammy. It had just happened. 

He was broken out of his thoughts by Sammy gently knocking his shoulder against his. “What were you thinking about? You looked deep in thought.” 

“Ghost,” Jack lies. “I heard that a girl saw one in the Freshman dorm.” 

“I should have known.”

“We could talk about it?” Jack asks hesitantly. He’d been scared to ask Sammy this before, too worried that he was going to get shot down. “I was thinking maybe we could start a show where we talked about supernatural phenomena and stuff? I talked with Angie and she said that she probably couldn’t fit us in this year, but maybe next year?” 

Sammy instantly bites his lip the way he does when he’s about to say something he thinks the other person won’t like. Jack tries not to look disappointed. 

“It’s not that I don’t want to, Jack...it’s just, that’s not really my thing, you know? I don’t think anyone would want to listen to me talk about supernatural stuff anyway. I don’t even believe in it.” 

“You don’t have to believe in it,” Jack insists. “It’s more interesting to present a variety of perspectives. A believer and a nonbeliever, like Mulder and Scully.” 

“I just don’t think it’s for me. I’m sorry Jack.”

Jack forces himself to smile. He’s disappointed, but he doesn’t want to guilt trip Sammy. He’d known that it was going to be a bit of a long shot anyway. 

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” 

They walk in silence for a while, and just as Jack is getting up the nerve to maybe push the topic one more time, a loud voice cuts through the silence. 

“Jack!” 

He winces. Jack would have recognized that voice anywhere, unfortunately. It was Eric, his ex-boyfriend. They’re break up had been relatively amicable, Jack had rambled on about them not being a right fit and the usual it’s not you, it’s me stuff. It had been awkward, but thankfully, Eric hadn’t seemed to take it too hard. Still, it wasn’t like Jack really wanted to talk to him. 

Jack slowly turns and forces a fake cheery smile on his face. “Eric, hi. How are you?” 

If Eric senses that Jack isn’t excited to see him, he doesn’t show it. “I’m fine. My Biology class is kicking my ass, but other than that, everything is fine. I’m a lot better at Chemistry though.” He says, sending a wink in Jack’s direction. 

God, that was the worst pick up line that he’s ever heard. Jack nods in response to his words, trying to get out of this conversation as quickly as possible. Eric is eyeing him in a way that seems likes he’s sizing him up and if Jack hadn’t been convinced by the wink, he’s getting the distinct impression that Eric is hitting on him again. 

“Sorry to cut this short, but we were heading to class.” Jack nods his head towards Sammy who’s watching their exchange with an expression that Jack can’t quite read, which is odd. Sammy definitely isn’t an open book, but Jack can usually read him. At the moment though, Sammy looks a mixture between annoyed and wistful, whatever that’s supposed to mean. Maybe he’s annoyed about the fact that they’re probably going to be late to class. 

“Oh. Who’s this?” Eric asks, his voice is friendly, but Jack catches an undertone of distaste. Jack almost wants to laugh. If only he could explain that Eric didn’t need to be threatened by Sammy of all people. 

“That’s Sammy,” Jack says, hoping that Eric will assume that they’re involved and just go away.

“New boyfriend?”

Goddamnit. Jack opens his mouth to explain that no, Sammy isn’t his boyfriend and that they’re just friends, and that Sammy is in fact, straight. He’s going to say that, but Sammy’s voice suddenly cuts into the conversation. 

“I’m so sick of people fucking thinking that. I’m not gay.” Sammy snaps, practically spitting out the last word as if it’s something distasteful. 

Jack feels himself freeze. He can’t help but think of the fact that Sammy’s from a small town, a place that Sammy himself admitted had a lot of prejudice. Jack feels sick to his stomach. He never would have thought that Sammy would be the type to harbor any homophobic sentiments, but was it that far fetched? 

Jack quickly scans his memories and the more he thinks about it, the more incidents appear in his mind. The way Sammy always seemed to be slightly uncomfortable when Jack brought up any of his boyfriends, or the way Sammy had flat out refused to accompany Jack to Pride, or the way Sammy had always practically flinched whenever someone of the same gender attempted to flirt with him. At the time, all of those things had made sense. Jack had hoped that Sammy was jealous about his other boyfriends and that’s what made him uncomfortable, or that he was worried they wouldn’t treat Jack right, or that they would monopolize Jack’s time. He’d bought Sammy’s excuse about having a test the day after Pride without a second thought, but what if he had been making an excuse? And he’d thought that Sammy’s distaste to being flirted with extended to any gender, considering the fact that Sammy was hardly better when girls flirted with him, but Jack could think of a few incidents where Sammy had angrily shot down guys who had approached him. 

Thinking of all of those things now though, through a new lens, it all looked bad. Jack doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but it hurt. Sammy was his best friend and the thought that he might be uncomfortable about something so intrinsically linked to Jack’s identity was deeply upsetting. 

It must register to Sammy what he just said, or maybe he sees something in Jack’s face, either way, he instantly steps closer to Jack, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. “I...You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Do I?” Jack practically snarls, suddenly irritated. 

“Uh well, I just remembered I have to get to class too. I’ll catch up with you guys later.” Eric says, before quickly fleeing from the suddenly tension filled situation. Jack doesn’t blame him. There’s a very large part of him that wants to run away as well. 

Sammy sighs, running his hand through his hair before looking over to make eye contact with Jack. “I’m sorry.” 

Jack can tell that Sammy is sincere, but it doesn’t change anything. He’s still angry and he’s still hurt and he lashes out. “You always laugh whenever someone asks if you and Lily are dating.” He doesn’t mean for it to come out sounding so much like an accusation, even if that’s what he meant it to be. He doesn’t want to fight with Sammy, not really, but Jack has always had a hard time calming down once he’s gotten truly fired up. 

“That’s different!” Sammy protests. “Lily’s...she’s uh…”

“A woman? So, it’s funny when it’s Lily, but it’s disgusting when it’s me?” 

“No! Jack that’s not what I meant by what I said. You don’t understand. There are things going on with me and sometimes I just say the wrong thing when I don’t mean to.” 

Jack angrily crosses his arms and glares at Sammy. “There are things going on with you? Like what?” 

He waits for Sammy to respond, but Sammy has gotten pale and has the look on his face that he gets when he’s overwhelmed. If Jack wasn’t so upset, he might have been moved to try and comfort Sammy. 

“I’m not in the mood for class today. Go without me.” Jack finally says, turning on his heel to leave. 

He feels Sammy’s hand wrap around his wrist and he stops, looking over his shoulder. 

“What do you want, Sammy?” he asks coldly. All he wants to do is go back to his dorm and curl up on his bed and cry for a few hours.  
“I’m so sorry Jack. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never want to hurt you. You’re my best friend.” 

Jack feels some of the anger leave him. He knows Sammy and while he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on with him, he can tell that Sammy is truly regretful. Besides, Jack doesn’t really want to stay angry with Sammy. He cares about him too much for that. 

He sighs softly. “I know you’re sorry. I just need to be alone right now, okay?” 

Sammy slowly nods, and lets go of Jack’s wrist, stepping back away from him. Jack is relieved that Sammy isn’t the type to push. When Jack asks for space, Sammy always gives it to him without question. 

Jack turns and starts the walk back towards his dorm, ducking his head and trying to pretend like he doesn’t have tears in his eyes. 

\- - 

Later that night, there’s a knock on his door. Jack is wearing his softest hoodie and a pair of sweatpants and he’s certain that he looks like shit. It doesn’t really matter though. He knows who is on the other side of the door. 

He considers not answering, but he can’t avoid Sammy forever. Besides, he’s worried that if he doesn’t answer the door Sammy is just going to end up sitting outside his door all night. He gets up and walks over to the door, opening it quickly. Sammy’s standing there and he looks just about as awful as Jack feels. He’s also holding a bouquet of flowers in his hand, which Jack has no idea how to process. 

“You got me...flowers?” 

Sammy looks sheepish, holding out the bouquet like a peace offering. “Sunflowers are your favorite, right?” 

Jack vaguely nods, staring at the flowers in his hands and tries not to get overwhelmed. He’d mentioned that sunflowers were his favorite over a year ago, sometime around Valentine’s Day. Had Sammy really remembered that fact all of this time? 

He steps to the side to let Sammy in and walks farther into his dorm room to locate a glass that’s suitable for holding flowers. He doesn’t own any vases, but he does find a huge cup that he’s pretty sure his roommate usually uses to chug beer. Oh well, hopefully, he doesn’t mind Jack borrowing it. He focuses on filling the cup up with water, trying to pretend like he’s not hyper aware of every movement that Sammy makes. He hears Sammy step into the apartment and softly close the door. He stops there, hovering in the entryway as if he isn’t sure if he’s invited in further. 

Jack places the sunflowers in the cup, takes a deep breath, and then turns around to face Sammy. “You can come in, you know?” 

Sammy smiles weakly and walks a bit closer, but halts at the edge of the kitchen, his hand coming up to push his hair back. He’s obviously nervous and Jack hates to admit it, but he is too. They’ve never truly fought before and things have never been awkward like this before. He doesn’t even know where to start. 

“I'm sorry,” Sammy finally says.

“You don’t have to keep apologizing. I’m not angry anymore.” That’s true. He isn’t mad at Sammy. He’s still hurt, but he’s not upset. This is Sammy, the guy who sat up with him all night while Jack had been sick with the flu, the guy who lets Jack sleepover every time Jack has night terrors and is too scared to stay in his dorm alone. He’s the guy that remembers Jack’s favorite flowers. Sammy might have messed up and said something hurtful, but Jack knows there’s no way Sammy actually meant it. He just knows it in his heart; he can feel it. 

Sammy shakes his head almost violently. He’s always had a hard time forgiving himself for even the smallest mistakes and Jack worries that it’ll be a long time before he can let go of this. “No, I do have to keep apologizing. I hurt you. I know I did. I said something shitty and I hurt you.” 

Jack doesn’t bother protesting, it is true after all. Sammy would be able to see through any lie of his in a second. “Yeah, it hurt, but you’re sorry. I know you didn’t mean it. It’s fine.” 

“It’s not fine Jack!” Sammy yells, and Jack stares at him shocked. He wants to make all of this better, but he doesn’t know how. He wishes he could call Lily and ask her for advice, but he’s not even sure she could actually help. This is something that they have to work out between themselves. 

He takes a step closer to Sammy, reaching out to grab his hand. He’s slightly surprised when Sammy laces their fingers together, but he’s relieved too. Sammy taking comfort in his presence has to be a good sign. 

“None of this is fine…” Sammy mumbles, and Jack gets the feeling that they aren’t completely talking just about what had happened earlier that afternoon. 

“What do you mean?” 

Sammy frantically gestures between them, but Jack doesn’t understand what he’s trying to convey by the gesture. “I’m a fucking coward Jack!” 

“No,” he says firmly. “You’re not.” Jack doesn’t know a lot of things, but one thing that he does know is that Sammy isn’t a coward. 

“I am! There are things about me that you don’t know, that I want to tell you, but that I can’t because I’m afraid.” Sammy insists, his grip tightening on Jack’s hand. 

Jack is starting to get an idea of what Sammy might be talking about, but he can’t be completely sure and he’s worried that his assumption is being clouded by hopeful thinking. Besides, there is no way he’s going to push Sammy on this. He’s almost certain that being forceful would do a lot more harm than good. 

“So? You’ll tell me when you’re ready. That doesn’t make you a coward.” 

Sammy is giving him a look like he doesn’t quite believe him, but he doesn’t verbally protest, so Jack supposes that’s a win. 

They’re silent for a few seconds, but this time it isn’t awkward. Jack is relieved. Things seemed to be going back to normal and they had made it through their first actual fight. It was going to be okay. 

“Hey, Jack?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I talked to Angie. She was able to squeeze our show in the schedule at like, 2 AM, but still. I changed my mind. I want to do that paranormal show with you, so we have the spot if you want it.” 

Jack looks at Sammy, shocked, and before he could think about it he’s already crossing the remaining distance between them in order to wrap his arms tightly around Sammy. Sammy stays still for a few seconds, seemingly frozen in shock, before he returns Jack’s hug, holding onto him tightly. 

“Are you sure you actually want to do this?” Jack asks. “You know that I’ve already forgiven you, show or no show.” 

“I know, but I was thinking, and there’s no one else I’d rather do a show with. It doesn’t matter what we talk about, I just want to be there with you.” 

Jack hugs Sammy tighter and smiles softly. He’d never expected to have a friend like Sammy, but he’s so thankful that he does. He knows that there’s stuff that they’ll have to work out later, but for now, things are okay. That’s enough for Jack.


End file.
